I don't often reveal how I'm really feeling. So when someone says 'how are you', I say 'fine'. As I'm sure 98% of the population does...no one wants to hear you complain about your life, or what has pissed you off at the moment.
But its quite difficult for me to open up enough to let people know that I am hurting, etc. And I'm talking about the people that I am close with. The most you'll get out of me is 'I'm sad'. I think I'm like this, because I don't want to burden people with my shit...everyone has their own crap to deal with, and I'm not unloading mine on my friends/family. I have in the past, and in some instances its bitten me in the ass. So I'm pretty hesitant to do it.
I suffer from depression. I have been on Celexa since 2003 and it works for me. It doesn't make me happy, its not this miracle drug that just automatically makes you 'normal' but it helps me...be evened out. I still feel happy, and sad, I still get angry, etc. I just don't drop to the lows that I have experienced previously in my life. So when I notice that I am keeping my feelings inside me...I start to worry a little. I remember the last time I did that and let's just say it didn't work out so well for me. But now, thanks to therapy and a plethra of other things, I can recogonize when something is 'wrong' with me...when I notice that I'm not quite...right. This is a big deal for me, to feel that I'm off a little and then be able to look inward to see what's up with me. It took me ALOT of time to be able to do this.
I know what's causing it...my Dad died three months ago. My problem is, I am pretending he's just not home, like he's on a trip. Well I am and I'm not...its a funny thing...death. I am trying to deal with my grief, but to be honest, I have no idea how I'm doing. I need someone to tell me...you do this, and then this and then the pain stops, and you're better. However, all anyone says is 'it gets better with time', or 'in time it will ease, it never stops hurting but you learn to live with it'. I hear them...I understand what they are saying, but emotionally I am like...WTF. I can go days without having a little meltdown and then I will see a picture and I'm back to November 1, 2011 when my Dad collapsed...like just standing still in this daze remembering everything leading up to his death. I am processing it...but caught in it, and to be honest I don't want to leave it...it makes me feel closer to my Dad. I see everyone else moving towards acceptance and I don't want to. That means I am accepting that he died and I do NOT accept that. I KNOW it...accepting it, something completely different.
I immediately went into therapy for my grief...because I know me and this had the power to become something very detrimental to me, and its all about self-preservation. Plus, I needed someone to talk to that didn't know my Dad, someone who I wouldn't have to 'share' my grief with. I have a brother who won't talk about it, a brother I don't get to talk to very often (family...he's busy) and then my Mom...who I feel already has enough to deal with, and I don't want to make her more upset. I do talk to her, but its more a I support you, and you support me. While my therapist is all about me.
So I guess, I'm just at a place, where I have no idea what the heck is going on...I want my Dad. Can't have him. No idea how to reconcile myself to that. So I'm just fumbling along. I guess that's what everyone else does too. But I'd sure like some method where I can follow such-and-such steps and then be good. Someone should get on that...asap. Grief is a tricky, tricky little slope you try to navigate. I need traffic signs, clearly defined rules and finally a clear destination. Not this...keep going, you'll get there soon...I feel like I keep saying 'are we there yet' and getting a big fat 'no' from myself.
Death sucks, grief sucks...and CANCER sucks ASS.
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