I have long questioned my believe in organized religion, I have listened to people supporting both sides and I still wasn't sure I believed...or didn't for that matter.
Then my father started to complain of pain...kidney stones they said...so they adjusted his diet, and the pain was still there...so he went through tests to see if they could smash those suckers up...then, its not his kidney stones, his adrenal gland is swollen...MORE TESTS. He must have had 4 CT scans...all of his abdomen...then Tuesday, November 1, 2011 my father collapses in the morning...he yells for my mom...she calls my brother and then 911...he's talking to her, we didn't expect for those to be the last words he ever says.
My father has lung cancer...they tell us. A tumor the size of a large mans first, encroaching on his heart, its in his adrenal gland, in his bones, and blood clots are hitting his brain. He's not moving to the ICU, the nice Doctor tells us, there is nothing they can do for him now..he will be moving to pallitive care.
On November 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm, my father passes away with all his kids around him, his Grandson Mathias, his best friend and two of my Aunts...and my Mom (his wife).
This is the day, my world stopped...this is the day I realized no matter how bad my life has been in the past, this is worse. For I've lost my Dad.
Now I am walking around with an open wound...no one can see it, its in my chest. My heart has been torn brutally apart...I can't breathe...I can't focus on anything...nor do I want to. Everything that used to bring me joy, holds nothing for me. I drown in my sorrow, quietly...
"It will get better" some people have said...really, I don't think so, I think I'll eventually come to accept it, but for now, I wait for him to come home. I know he's not going to, but you still wait.
I just want 5 mins, I cry...just 5 mins for me to tell him how much I truly loved him, to beg forgiveness for past mistakes. I hug him and breathe him in...to look him in the eye and let him know that although he may be leaving us, we'll never forget him, nor will we stop loving him.
My life the way I knew it...ended on November 3, 2011 @ 1:40 pm.
