"Although I know it's unfair I reveal myself one mask at a time"~ Stephen Dunn

I don't often reveal how I'm really feeling. So when someone says 'how are you', I say 'fine'. As I'm sure 98% of the population does...no one wants to hear you complain about your life, or what has pissed you off at the moment.

But its quite difficult for me to open up enough to let people know that I am hurting, etc. And I'm talking about the people that I am close with. The most you'll get out of me is 'I'm sad'. I think I'm like this, because I don't want to burden people with my shit...everyone has their own crap to deal with, and I'm not unloading mine on my friends/family. I have in the past, and in some instances its bitten me in the ass. So I'm pretty hesitant to do it.

I suffer from depression. I have been on Celexa since 2003 and it works for me. It doesn't make me happy, its not this miracle drug that just automatically makes you 'normal' but it helps me...be evened out. I still feel happy, and sad,  I still get angry, etc. I just don't drop to the lows that I have experienced previously in my life. So when I notice that I am keeping my feelings inside me...I start to worry a little. I remember the last time I did that and let's just say it didn't work out so well for me. But now, thanks to therapy and a plethra of other things, I can recogonize when something is 'wrong' with me...when I notice that I'm not quite...right. This is a big deal for me, to feel that I'm off a little and then be able to look inward to see what's up with me. It took me ALOT of time to be able to do this.

I know what's causing it...my Dad died three months ago. My problem is, I am pretending he's just not home, like he's on a trip. Well I am and I'm not...its a funny thing...death. I am trying to deal with my grief, but to be honest, I have no idea how I'm doing. I need someone to tell me...you do this, and then this and then the pain stops, and you're better. However, all anyone says is 'it gets better with time', or 'in time it will ease, it never stops hurting but you learn to live with it'. I hear them...I understand what they are saying, but emotionally I am like...WTF. I can go days without having a little meltdown and then I will see a picture and I'm back to November 1, 2011 when my Dad collapsed...like just standing still in this daze remembering everything leading up to his death. I am processing it...but caught in it, and to be honest I don't want to leave it...it makes me feel closer to my Dad. I see everyone else moving towards acceptance and I don't want to. That means I am accepting that he died and I do NOT accept that. I KNOW it...accepting it, something completely different.

I immediately went into therapy for my grief...because I know me and this had the power to become something very detrimental to me, and its all about self-preservation. Plus, I needed someone to talk to that didn't know my Dad, someone who I wouldn't have to 'share' my grief with. I have a brother who won't talk about it, a brother I don't get to talk to very often (family...he's busy) and then my Mom...who I feel already has enough to deal with, and I don't want to make her more upset. I do talk to her, but its more a I support you, and you support me. While my therapist is all about me.

So I guess, I'm just at a place, where I have no idea what the heck is going on...I want my Dad. Can't have him. No idea how to reconcile myself to that. So I'm just fumbling along. I guess that's what everyone else does too. But I'd sure like some method where I can follow such-and-such steps and then be good. Someone should get on that...asap. Grief is a tricky, tricky little slope you try to navigate. I need traffic signs, clearly defined rules and finally a clear destination. Not this...keep going, you'll get there soon...I feel like I keep saying 'are we there yet' and getting a big fat 'no' from myself.

Death sucks, grief sucks...and CANCER sucks ASS.

I hate Transit Strikes...

However, I hate people that can only TALK about the transit strike more. Let me begin with telling you 'I work in cubicle land'...so I can hear what everyone is talking about...all the time. Now usually I can tune a person out like nobody's business, I do that when there is a temperature change of more than 2 degrees...because its now office fodder...its so cold today, its so warm today, winter must be over, oh just wait for it, we're due for another storm, etc, etc. Don't get me started on our office 'weather watchers'...I sit beside a huge window, so I don't need people to tell me the weather, I look the F outside...annoying.

But since Metro Transit and their respective union have gone on strike, its all I hear about. Don't get me wrong, I keep updated on it...you know...via the news, or news paper. I do not need a diatribe at work on the latest news...I already know it. Stop trying to pretend that you're in the 'know', that you have some hidden piece of information that could somehow shed light on this situation. You don't know anything more than any other person who had the good sense to turn on the radio, pick up a paper or turn on the tv.
Yes, it makes me bitter, I can't help it, I feel like walking outside my cubicle and saying if you can't find anything remotely interesting to talk about in your life...please, please for the love of all that is good, STFU.

Instead I hold the rage inside, and in silent protest, I don't engage in any conversation with this person...I give the polite, 'Good Morning' and then nothing, nada, zip. Does this make me a bitch, I don't think so, I think it makes me a person who actually has work to do and doesn't want to listen to her garbage...oh and yes a bitch sometimes too. Fine, I admitted it.

OMG...could it be...there is silence around my cubicle, I must go and relish this blessed event...while it lasts, because not everyone is in the office, yet, and I can tell she's waiting, hidden, ready to pounce on the next person who innocently walks by her desk.

SERENITY NOW!!!

Damn you girl at the Battered Fish

So the girl who works the counter at The Battered Fish knows me...by name. Its a mall food court and she knows me by name. Now granted a while ago, I went all the time, hence the reason I now weigh what I weigh. So I haven't been going there very much...at least I haven't been there in like 3 + weeks. So I go today, cause I'm craving f'ing poutine (more on that later)...and I tell my friend Angela, who I'm there with...if she knows my name I'm never eating here again...so I go up order and usually she asks for your name to write on the receipt, and when your order is ready they call you by name. Well this time, she doesn't ask...VICTORY!!! She has forgotten me, see I say to myself, I don't eat here alot...its just an occassional thing.

So I go eat my very unhealthy lunch, which I know I will regret in about an hour...and I talk with my friends...then its time to go back to work...as I'm walking to the garbage can to throw out my stuff...I look at the receipt...right there in blue, scrolly lettering is my F'ING NAME!! Sure she mispelled it, but most people do...she was off by one letter...the point is she didn't even have to ASK me my name, she already knew it. I was astounded...and then ashamed!! OMG...how many times do I eat at this place...no wonder I weigh what I weigh. Un-f'ing-acceptable. So as I had told my friend Angela...I'm never eating there again. I can't. She knows me by name.

It's just that their fries are so good...lightly salted, home made fries...with gravy and cheese curds...ummm poutine. But so very bad for me, so I'm saying goodbye to poutine, we've been very close...like you're still hanging around my arse and thighs...and I can't get you OFF!!! So goodby dear friend...may you find peace with someone else...preferably some mean thin girls thighs and arse. :)

I feel like Oprah...minus the billions!

So my weight loss isn't going very well. I fell off the wagon per se...I got the flu late last week and it put a beating on me, you'd think with all the barfing and other unmentionable things I would be skinny, skinny, skinny...but then once you start to feel better, you start shoving the food in, and next thing you know, you're up 3 lbs. F@*K!!!!

I know its my own fault, I get that. I'm not sure HOW to change my habits, or gain will power...I think a hypnatist is my next step...I don't even know why I eat half the things I eat, because some of my choices don't taste that good, its junk and I KNOW I'll feel like garbage after eating it, but I do it anyways. Why the F do I that to myself...I don't understand.

I know other people struggle with food and weight gain, I think its the biggest epidemic in North America, and yet when people say to me 'just eat healthier', i feel like stabbing them with a blunt spoon. Really, is that all that I have to do, thank you so f'ing much for all your help. Now F OFF!!!

Rage is also an issue of mine. I think it boils down to this...I want to lose weight, but apparently I don't want to lose weight bad enough for me to do anything about it. I need my 'aha' moment as Oprah would say...problem is, I think my aha moment will be when i've lost the weight.

So right now I'm bummed out, i'm going to let myself be bummed out from now 1:28 pm, till approximately 1:32 (a good 4 mins) and then I'll get over myself and try to drag my big ass back on to the weight loss wagon.

Wish me luck...